I Am The Cheese

The History Of The Homemade Sewer Trout Shirt.

2006-04-26T08:55:00.000-03:00

Back in 1995 I made the first out of a white T-shirt and a sharpie. It was a good design and lasted a few years. I was wearing it when my band SOLD OUT lupo's heartbreak hotel.

I mean, just look at that crowd! It was also worn that time we played the reading music festival

And a close-up for the ladies (and Nason)

Then one day I was looking at this old sewer trout record

After looking at it for some time I decided to put that design on a new t-shirt. The fruits of my labor can be seen below. I plan on doing a docudrama on this subject as well as a cassingle and a PAL reel to reel.

The Word Of GOd?

2006-04-19T17:32:00.000-03:00

Check out these cool Sewer Trout shirts I made. Oh and before Liam can make the "why are you making sewer trout t-shirts when you're 30 years old?" comment I'd like to say that I'm 31.

The Decline of NO-FX

2006-04-07T08:09:00.000-03:00

Surprisingly enough, this sucks. I'd say A for effort but when the effort was to make a 18 min long NOFX song I can't. I'd rather listen to "where's my slice" or "BOB" 10 times in a row.

Although I have to admit that within the first few minutes there is a line about some guy named jerry that goes to jail and then kills himself and it kind of threw me off. The line is "Jerry only stayed a couple months". So I started thinking about what would happen if Jerry Only showed up at my house for the weekend but ended up staying all summer. I imagined things would go downhill pretty quickly because it was the Jerry from around '82 not the one we have now and he was messing everything up. I doubt he wouold clean up after himself and I'd be sitting on metal spikes all the time. Then one day I came downstairs and he was drinking the milk right out of the carton!.

"Dammit Jerry Only, what the hell are you doing?" I said. He told me to shut up and that it was time to "spot him". That means he was going to lift some weights and that I had to hang around in case he got in trouble and needed some help. Not that he ever needed the help. I think he just liked to show off. He kept stealing my wife's makeup to practice new looks. It was a real mess. Kind of like this :

2XL pt.5 FOUND!

2006-03-24T09:35:00.000-03:00

2XL lists "sexy airwolf" as one of his favorites. I don't remember that one.

2XL pt 4.

2006-03-24T06:36:00.000-03:00

2XL tells a bit of a joke.....

Poor Elroy

2006-03-23T06:09:00.000-03:00

The Catcher in the WHY?

2006-03-22T05:52:00.000-03:00

Well I re-read Holden Caufield in preparation for KING DORK and uhhh, well I don't see why everyone wants to be like this kid so much. Just seems kind of sad to me. He's pretty hateful towards just about everybody. Just some kid having a hard time dealing with his brother's death. He never comes across as being especially bright to me either. I mean practically the whole book is just him describing what he dislikes about various things and people. Don't get me wrong, I like the book, I even like him, I just don't see why anyone would want to be like him. He's depressed, lonely, paranoid, and a little snobby too. Awesome. No wonder I never finished it in high school. I was probably like "screw you mrs frankel, why the hell do you like this kid so much? Who gives a shit about his red hunting cap? what the hell are "falsies"? Why did we read this in 10th grade and I am the Cheese in 5th grade? I'd rather be like the kid in I am the Cheese, I mean, at least he had that cool bike."

Smart things come in stupid packages (killing yourself to live)

2006-03-20T12:46:00.000-03:00

Ok so that book didn't get any better really. I would say that in the end I enjoyed about 40% of it. It has this annoying little trick where as you start thinking about what you don't like about it the author has someone voice your exact same feelings. So if you start thinking "this guy is trying too hard to give himself a quirky persona", someone in the book will tell him exactly that. In the end the worst thing about this book is that much of it involves him being in love with a bunch of women. And who the hell wants to read about that.

KING DORK

2006-03-17T18:06:00.000-03:00

THis may be the coolest book cover in history.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it is better than what I'm reading right now. What I'm reading now is called Killing Yourself to live. It was written by some senior editor at SPIN. It therefore has no buisiness being as good as it is. It's probably about 45% good. Not Terrible, and it does have some truly interesting/funny/well-written parts. But it also has it's fair share of forced self-mocking crapacity. You know, just because you make a joke about what a self-involved ass you are doesn't make you any less of a self-invloved ass. Trust me I know. Again, I'm only about half done with it so it could end up being my favorite book of all time so who knows?

THUMBSUCKER

2006-03-15T12:37:00.000-03:00

I'm reading this right now. It's pretty interesting I guess. It just seems that it has a lot of similarities in the writing to that book where the kid leaves the foils on the subway. Describing someone features as Mossy, and saying "I'm kinda dumb" when asked questions by authority figures. Of course I am only on page 40 but with my track record with books that might be as far as I ever get. I can seriously list the books Ive read in the last ten years in a bout 20 seconds. Here....

1. Like A hole in the head.- Some woman
2. CRAZY - some german kid
3. High Fidelity - Nick Somebody
4. the first harry potter book
5. there has to be a few more. ive read some of
A LOTof books but I'm thinking of the ones iv'e finished. that biography of lindberg almost counts but I stopped when he became some crazy nazi or something.
I bet there's like 5 books more but I can't remember them right now.
Oh right.....
6. Timequake - Kurt Vonnegut.
The must be more.....

Super Mario 27

2006-03-14T12:45:00.000-03:00

Nice website with TONS of downloadable video game soundtracks. It's lame, but at least it's REAL lame.

iPod, you are a liar.

2006-03-14T10:37:00.000-03:00

So when I go to the top 25 most played it looks like this:

1-4 are Adam green songs off the "friends of mine" cd.
5- Front Door/Backside- brak
6- Red Rubber Ball - the cyrkle
7-life on mars -bowie
8- five years-bowie
9- starman-bowie
10- punk rock girl-dead milkmen
11- gut feeling -devo
12- son of sam - elliot smith
13- shoplifter - green day
14- the science of myth - screeching weasel
15- sackcloth and ashes - MTX
16- hockey monkey- james kochalka
17- back at the chicken shack- jimmy smith
18- office space- bill lumberg
19 doralice- getz/giberto
20 trucker hat- fids
21 beverly hills- weezer
22 you today- mtx
23 amna- mole people
24 denise- fountains of wayne
25 holiday in romania- sewer trout.

Some of this makes sense but #18 is just a :03 clip of some guy saying "mmmmmmmmm yeahhh". I dont think i've ever even heard it before. I also doubt i've sat through #19 more often than #22 or #25. Awesome.

I wonder what saddam has on his iPOd? i bet it's pretty close to mine.

Music Tuesday

2006-03-07T12:16:00.000-03:00

The ramones are gay.

Music Monday is postponed 'till tuesday.

2006-03-06T12:48:00.000-03:00

This will give me some extra time to think of something funny to say about the Ramones.

"My real name is Francis, but if any of you homo's call me francis, I'll kill ya"

2006-03-03T09:38:00.000-03:00

Some guy asks Ben Weasel about the bathrooms in the living room.

I Dig Savers

2006-03-02T07:12:00.000-03:00

Well that didn't take very long. Fourth record in the pile at savers. Quest complete.

Best Album Cover Of All Time

2006-03-01T09:31:00.000-03:00

I DIG CHICKS - JONAH JONES (1959)

I need this hanging on my wall. The search will begin today at SAVERS. In case you miss what is going on here those four hotties are hanging out on an excavator. That's a piece of heavy machinery used for digging. So it's like you just dug up some chicks and they are all hot. Of course they'd all be like 85-90 years old now. So you probably would have to do some digging in order to see them now..(sorry if one of them was your mother and you are offended by that. At least she was hot when she was young.) Anyway if you see this let me know about it. Oh and if that's your mom with the white shirt, I think she might have been a little slutty.

Music Monday 2. (Miles Davis is Boring)

2006-02-27T11:48:00.000-03:00

Seriously why anyone would really listen to "birth of the cool" or "kind of blue" is beyond me. It's OK to have on in the background as long as it's on a low volume. Low enough so you can't really hear it. that's what most of his "fans" do anyway. They do it so when someone calls they can say "Hold on a sec. Lemme turn off the stereo, Im listening to Miles." His stuff is so slow and so boring and has no melody and goes absolutely nowhere. I hate it when some one brings him up and then some one else is all "ohh Miles... mmmmmm. Love Miles. soooo smooth." Lame. You don't listen to miles davis. Whatever, I hate Miles Davis.

Listen to this instead
Back at the Chicken Shack - Jimmy Smith

I call this record "one of the most perfect things ever created". My wife calls it "elavator music". I actually own 3 copies of it. I didn't think I would win any of the auctions but I won all three. Now that's how to spend money!

The Saddest Thing I Have Ever Seen......

2006-02-23T09:04:00.000-03:00

This kid lives next door. I let him come over and play with our dog sometimes. He's an OK kid, swears a bit too much for his age but that's about it. (he's a big fan of saying "that's better than twenty tits!" whenever something cool happens.) Anyway I went over there to get back the dog because it followed him in when his mother called for dinner. I went inside and saw that the kid was feeding himself with an armatron robot from Radio Shack.

I thought it was weird but the next day his mother told me that it was the toy he and his father used to play with all the time. His father died about a year and a half ago. Left them alot of money too. She doesn't know what to do because the kid won't eat dinner without it cause he says it's like his dad is still around. I told her to remove one or two of the gears from inside so it stops working and he'll have to deal with it. She said she wants to keep it working because she uses it after the kid goes to bed in her own way of remembering her husband. I'm hoping she's playing chess with it or at least washing it off when she's done. The kid has to eat with that thing.

Supercomputer?

2006-02-22T09:33:00.000-03:00

Dave at work said he thinks the "dave is boring and ugly" comment I made has been on the internet long enough and has asked that i take it down. I have informed dave that the computers here at work are not powerful enough to erase things from the web. But I do feel bad and will say that I was only joking about Dave being ugly. I am sorry about that Dave. Does anyone out there have access to a really good supercomputer that would be willing to remove that comment for me?

In other news that guy still calls himself boba fett. go figure. oh and the hellacopters sre playing the Axis in boston on march 11th.

Music Monday.

2006-02-20T08:13:00.000-03:00

Music monday is awesome. It's this Idea I came up with where I tell you something you should listen to (music-wise) every monday. This will be a happy post so no one should be calling me an angry f@g in the comments section. This weeks selection is a new release.

ROCK & ROLL IS DEAD - THE HELLACOPTERS

"Head over heels on bannana peels" is a sample of the lyrics to the song "Monkeyboy". Not enough for ya? Well they are a bunch of Sweedish rockstars that have evolved from the best garage band ever into some sort of giant 70's rock-type thing. Ummm I think they are from the land of sweeds anyway. The piano player is named Boba Fett I think. he used to be called that years ago, probably just goes by his real name now. Bjorn or something I bet. Can't be in your 30's still calling yourself Boba Fett when you're wicked famous now can you?

The song "I'm in the band" is pretty awesome. It's about being in a band and having screaming female fans waiting for you but the bouncer won't let you in 'cause you look kinda scrubby. Oh yeah, don't buy the import cause the U.S. version is cheaper and comes wit two extra songs and some videos.

Damn this band is good.

Forget you, clown.......

2006-02-17T11:31:00.000-03:00

I have been informed that my review of Aristocrats is incorrect and that it is actually a great movie. This guy Glenn said "noooooo really? I liked that movie. Did you see saget?". This guy Jason said that I didn't get the overall "fuck you, clown"-ness of the joke. And Dave said "What are you Gay? Sara Silverman is in that.... She's hot. I'd touch her."

In response I'd like to say that in order for Dave to touch anyone he'd have to talk to them first, and the moment he did that the chances of any touching would be about 1/50,000. This is because Dave is as boring as they come. He is also ugly.

The Aristocrats

2006-02-14T08:25:00.000-03:00

Holy shit, this movie sucked so bad I actually died. I did not ROTFL. I didn't even LOL. Yeah, this movie is for people on the cutting edge of comedy, you know, the kind of people that find Paul Reiser hilarious. If you wanna watch Paul Reiser act like he has something interesting to say but just keep talking and talking, this is for you. I mean penn and teller? Penn and Teller are the least funny people I have ever seen. The one that talks if a fucking cock. Bob Saget? Jeezus, Bob Saget being dirty does not shock or interest me. Know why? Because he's Bob Saget, that's why. "I used to be on FULL HOUSE and now I'm gonna shock the world by saying assfuck and titspiss."

It like "Oh all us interesting comedians have this ages old joke and we all love it and we're letting the rest of the world in on a slice of our lives."

Oh yeah well suck it cause your joke rots and hearing it from the best and brightest stars of 1992 does not make it any better. even the usually funny (sara silverman)come off as self involved shits who really think they are funny. Only John Stewart is redeeming for his refusal to take part.

nice piece of shit movie. Thanks.

2-XL (lame tape version) Arrested outside LA's "VIPER ROOM" with explosive device.

2006-02-13T11:33:00.000-03:00

Los Angeles(AP) -While several famous hollywood stars, including the guy who played James at fifteen and 8-track 2-XL, partied the night away inside the VIPER ROOM. Lame cassette version 2-XL was refused entrance.

He returned less than an hour later with an explosive device and "a very bad attitude" according to police chief Jim. "then we beat the shit out of him for five or six hours. It was pretty funny cause he had an Air Supply tape in him and we couldn't get it to turn off. So we just kept beating the shit out of him to the tune of making love out of nothing at all."

We Salute You Pittsburgh!

2006-02-07T08:42:00.000-03:00

"Shady Killzalot" (above left) of the Rhode Island "Mad Clownz Killaz" tipz, oh sorry, tips his beverage in honor of the fine effort put forth by Bettis and the rest of the Steelers. When asked about the officiating Shady added "Yo, you got beef? I kilz mad clown love in the head. Serious, I fuckin kill Yo. Oh and also it's obvious that the nose of the ball in Rothlisbergers hand broke the plane of the end-zone while he was in mid air. The force of the tackle put an end to his forward momentum and actually moved him backwards a few inches. ummmm.... Why can'y you bitchez be seein dis yo? Fuck! Mad clown love yo!"

Reader Mail

2006-02-02T11:51:00.000-03:00

I just got this letter/picture today.

Dear Human Retard,

I heard you were talking about me. You should stop before I find out where you live. Do I look like i'm joking?

Check out this pic. Now if I was ignored by toy historians would i still have cash to spend on wood-chips AND gravel for my landscaping? I think not bitch. Watch your back. I'm coming.(flip tape)
It's not my problem if you want to live in the past. I don't really care what you think. Just stop comparing me to that 8-track napkin holder look-a-like excuse for a robot.

Yours killingly with lasers if you don't shut up,
2-XL

2-XL pt.3

2006-02-02T11:36:00.000-03:00

So some guy I know was like "I'm off the 2-XL bandwagon. I'm all about big trak now. Big Trak rules." This is the singular most stupid insane thing he's ever said.

BIG TRAK

Big Trak sucked. It was like you kind of wanted a remote controlled car but you also want a phone. And you also want to slam it into the wall 50 times before you make a sucsessfull turn.

"hey great mom Big Track. why not just tie some hot wheels to a calculator add 10 D batteries throw em in a box and save yourself the 50 bucks? Oh and while you're at the store for batteries you might want to pick up some certs cause the whiskey-breath is pretty harsh"

Now even though not as cool as 2-XL, Omnibot was pretty bad ass.

Of course I only had one in college cause I wanted to be like the guys in that Riptide show and I couldn't afford a boat. Then I left it at bobby's house and never got it back. That kid was a bitch. He's probably dead now.

Don't drive angry.....

2006-02-02T11:04:00.000-03:00

What's the deal with that guy who lied in that book he wrote? the book was called "my girlfriend shoots herself at the end". Anyway if I was that guy (james french i think is his name)I wouldn't act all sorry on Oprah. I'd ask her who the fuck she thinks she is and then i'd thank her for the boost to book sales. I am completely serious when I say Oprah can stuff it. And does anyone else think she can probably chew through a flak jacket in like two minutes? those teeth on her are so sick.
My mom used to watch the oprah show and when it was over she'd always say "fetch mommy another drink sweetie". Then she'd do some ironing and usually burn her fingers. i always had these shirts with the iron shape burned into them and these two kids would be like "what is that? Is that reebok's new logo or something?" Yeah those kids were funny but one of them works at wal-mart and the other died in a bus accident so boo hoo. I mean boo ya!

The Final Pros and Cons of Radio Death

2006-01-25T08:46:00.000-03:00

I guess I should let it be known before anyone runs out and spends money on a cd that I reccomend that I don't know shit about music. I have pretty bad taste according to most who have seen what's in my mp3 player. For instance I don't really care for most Pink Floyd stuff but I really like Roger Waters solo albums. And not in a tounge in cheek crappy beer and salvation army ironic way either. Here is a quick rundown of the ones I own. (I've never heard "the body or where the wind blows).

1. THE FINAL CUT - PINK FLOYD

While this was the last floyd record with waters still in the band it's really just a solo album with insruments being played by the floyd. It even says so on the back of the record. This one is pretty easy. It's like about how war ruins everthing and his dad died and then he shuts himself off from the rest of the world. Has a lot of the same guitar riffs as THE WALL cause he wrote them at the same time and they deicided to do the wall. Most Waters solo records have an uplifting song filled with hope for the future at the end, but this one ends with nukes going off and everyone on the planet is dead.

2. THE PRO'S AND CON'S OF HITCHIKING

This is more like one long song. One really really good song though filled with hookers, arabs, lamborghinis, and stuff like that. It's all built off the riff fromm THE WALL again. I think he actually wrote this one at the same time as the other two. The uplifting song on this one is called "Every strangers eyes".

3. RADIO KAOS

So in 1987 the rest of pink floyd got back together and put out the unlistenable delicate sound of thunder and made millions and millions of dollars. Waters decided to put out a concept album about a kid in a wheelchair who was blind and deaf and dumb and I think he somehow thew a brick off an overpass at some point. Then he uses satellites and mind-powers to communicate his message to the entire world. At least that's what I get out of it. Uplifting song = "The Tide is Turning".

4. Amused To Death

This record is about how war is bad and people die but no one pays attention cause they have things like a bigger washing machine on their minds. Some really good songs on this one. It holds as much water now as it did when it came out. It also has alot of songs about monkeys and in the end the nukes go off again and everyone is dead and they leave nuclear shadows around the family TV set. Im pretty sure there is an uplifting song at the end where it's like "maybe this can be avoided, there is still hope." but I dont remember the name of it. Maybe it's called "watch out for nukey". Yeah, that's it.

It's a God Awful Small Affair...

2006-01-24T08:55:00.000-03:00

But I believe in the Pic of old 2XL down there the boy is holding his hand over the end of the power cord to cover up the fact that it didn't actually plug into anything. Because, like I said, the power cord plugs into the other side. The cord is probably taped to the inside of his palm to hold it in place. I mean, who holds their hand like that just to push some robot's botton? This was obviously some kind of prototype that was used for the cataloge photo shoot. I wonder if kids were fooled by this back then......

TOP 2 CD's of 2005

2006-01-24T06:37:00.000-03:00

Obviously since I have a blog that means my opinion counts tons. I mean why would anyone do one of these things if they didn't think people wanted to read what they have to say right? So here they are.

#2 JAMES KOCHALKA SUPERSTAR : OUR MOST BELOVED

This greatest hits CD is top shelf. Get it. It comes with a DVD that has some videos and stuff. Oh and Hockey Monkey is the theme song for some new FOX comedy. I forget what it's called but it will premiere right after American Idol during it's last few shows so tons of people will hear it. I say that cause I think by now the novely of the first few American Idols shows where everyone sucks real bad has worn off. Now people tune in to see who will be the next Reuben Studdards. Yeah, so get this CD, it's sooo good.

#1 BAD RELIGION : INTO THE UNKNOWN

After years and years of waiting I finally got to hear this long lost album. It's really something. It goes from some kind of sea shanty to space jams to a song that sounds alot like that father and son song by Harry Chapin. Truly a work for the ages INTO THE UNKNOWN does not dissapoint.

2XL is way funnier than any of you internet hags out there.

2006-01-23T09:58:00.000-03:00

First of all lets make sure you know I'm talking about this 2XL.

And not the lame cassette tape version

I mean look at how he's holding his arms as if he's thinking "Oh here comes that dribble-bitch of a kid again who can't answer one question about Ben Franklin and never gets ANY of my jokes." He sucks and is ignored by toy historians. (as well they should).

Actually the picture of the real 2XL is a litte off. His eyes were larger and red and his power supply connected to the other side. Where the pic shows the power cord is actually where the on/off/volume knob is located. Also, I never saw a white 2XL tape but I can't say they don't exist.

Anyway this guy is so funny it makes me want to stop hanging around with my un-funny friends. His jokes are top-notch and the way he cuts you to the bone if you miss a question would never happen in todays polite society. (i.e."I am not impressed with what is going on above your neck" would today be replaced with "You got that one wrong but you are still very special and an important person in the lives of those around you.")

I credit 2XL with forming the roots of my humor and smarts. My good looks are all my own.

Hey great, let's make fun of ugly retards!

2006-01-23T09:27:00.000-03:00

So alot of people think that Brian Peppers is funny cause his face is all crazy with big eyes and stuff.

Well I think that's just great. Can you imagine if your son looked like that? What that kid had to go through growing up in a country where if you are a little fat people give you a hard time must have been nothing short of torture.

Yeah sure he molested someone or something but what choice did he have? I look nothing like this kid and sometimes I have a hard time in the trim aquisition area. All these internet hags with their OWNED videos of kids getting hit by trains and stuff make me sad. It's like the net has made everybody dumber. Ya know if one guy thinks Brian Peppers is funny then he puts it on his LOLOWNEDOMG website and all the 13yr olds in the country are making fun of the retards in their school the next day.

And NONE of you people are funny at all. you all suck. You can't write a joke anyone would ever laugh at. It's like every website has become "here's some video of a car crash where a guy dies set to metallica music and then some kid sets himself on fire and brian peppers is ugly." Well aren't you clever?